The Bachelorette!

DISCLAIMER. These are emails about a ridiculous show.

I’m in gray.

Josh Cooper (Tennessean’s Predators beat writer) is in blue.

Mindy is in purple/cyan whatever this is and

Lindsay is in Green.

What you’re about to read is a complete waste of your time.

January 8, 2015 UPDATE

That’s all.

From the summer of 2014…

The New Bachelor

Jerry Seinfeld once persuasively argued 90% to 95% of the population is undateable.


If we assume Google is correct and there are 313.9 million people in the U.S., of which 151.4 million are male, and we rule out 90% to 95% of men, that reduces the available pool of dateable men to somewhere between 7.57 million and 15.14 million. For simplicity, let’s split the difference and conclude there are 11.355 million dateable men in the US.

Of that number, we should eliminate males under 20 (25%), which cuts us down to a pool of 8.52 million dateable men. Then, because The Bachelor is inexplicably usually some lame white guy, we should account for ABC’s racism, and reduce the available pool of dateable men to 5.42 million. Of that number, roughly half are married, leaving ABC executives a selection of 2.71 million men from which to select The Bachelor.

And they chose this guy, Chris Soules:

Yeah, The Farmer. The same Farmer who:

  • Said stuff like “Alls I really want to do…” & “Sour Grapes” & “I went from Cloud 9 to being a Nervous Nancy.” These Iowaisms were enough to enable me to feature a weekly segment “This Week’s Awww Shucks Phrase!”
  • Has only two moves. 1. Re-enact that Ghost scene at a monastery, and 2. the classic “sit on my lap while you drive my tractor.”
  • Thinks a game where the object is to create, and maintain, distance from the other person for as long as possible, is a good one-on-one dating game. He played this game with Andi in the middle of a field where there was only one place to hide, and again at night on his farm. Dude loves hide-and-seek.
  • Would make a great canasta partner, School Board member, and cousin.
  • Has a look that says: “Heeeeey Lay-deees, my crops are knee high by the Fourth of July, and my shirt is . . . buttoned suggestively!”

Several months ago, guest blogger Lindsay wrote: “They’re possibly setting up Farmer Chris for Bachelor. I hope we see him in overalls next week cause that would be hawt (Mostly because I just want to say, “He could be a farmer in those clothes?”). Then I would bet Andi is going to fake break his heart and he is going to still be looking for love because he is ready and open for it.”

That was spot-on.

I had a different, wrong take: “No way this guy is The Bachelor. He will attract an inordinate number of crazy women, which is saying something for Bachelorette contestants, but he will be frustrated on his dates. His horde of women will get too drunk to play a competent game of Scrabble. Or Parcheesi. Group dates will feature hearts and spades tournaments. If he really likes them, Tiddly Winks! But only if they pass a commodities test and take the Ethanol pledge. The whole thing would derail from the very beginning, spiraling into a farce l-o-n-g before it’s supposed to — and make no mistake, it’s always supposed to — but he’d bore us all.

I should have added one-on-one hide and seek dates.

This is going to be a boring season. Fortunately, The Bachelor has the solution. The always reliable “plant” contestant, who is objectively crazy, will stir the pot.

More important, they will also feature:

That’s right. Alcohol. This season will need a lot of alcohol.

Why? Because he is boring. His house is immaculate. He lives in a field. His tractor is paid for.

He needs to go to Des Moines hot yoga classes and find a wife there.

After the Final Show

First, fellow contributor, Josh Cooper, will be along soon enough. He got married the weekend before the Finale, and is off honeymooning in France.

Josh M.

My second favorite moment in the whole episode (keep reading to find out my favorite) was Josh M.’s yacht suggestion that he and Andi sail “from the Dominican Republic (which we were repeatedly reminded, contractually it seemed, is a beautiful and romantic place) all the way to Atlanta.”

Dominican Republic to Atlanta, GA - Google Maps - Windows Internet Explorer 2014-07-29 12.59.23

I actually paused and thought “Does Josh M. know he can’t sail to Atlanta?”

I mean, he knows that, right? Right?

The Grumpy Cat / Andi’s frown moment was a spectacular flop. So bad, not even Andi got it, turning a joke into an awkward moment. Did anyone bother to ask Andi if she ever even heard of Grumpy Cat?

And, while we’re here, while I see the cat / frown resemblance, why was no one pointing out the Josh M. super-smile? It’s worse than the Ross Geller Tanning Booth Disaster Smile:

This smile really bothered me. It’s visibile from space! That thing should have its own Twitter account.

Anyway, back to the “last date” with Josh M., whose hands were all over Andi. Classic Josh, who as I wrote last time, is your All American High School Boyfriend Fiance: Full of enthusiasm. Has his hands all over a willing hot chick who shows veiled interest in him. Everything is a sports/baseball metaphor. A recovering jock. Once saw Andi “at a club.” Has a confused, incorrect understanding of local and regional geography. Possesses a nebulous source of income, suspected to come from dad. Plans to spend weekends at football games. Is sure he is beyond love and ready to marry someone he has known for two months who during that time has spent all night talking to slept with another dude she considered marrying and oh-by-the-way she also made out with countless other dudes. Oh, and he has a “looks in the mirror” face. Even Ferris knew Sloane longer before discussing marriage.

She likes immature, fun men. He’s sincere, I think, but seriously, she’s pushing the wedding back to the spring not because she needs to plan, and not just because she’s hoping a network will pay for and air the wedding, but because somewhere in the back of her head she has some common sense. That common sense arrived when she made the “by the spring it will have been one year” comment.

But, if all goes to plan, she’ll be Andi Murray.

No, not the Wimbledon champ. Well, yes, the same name as the Wimbledon champ, different spelling. That’s unfortunate, really.

One other thing about Josh: Was he wearing a clip-on tie during the critical are-you-about-to-dump-me final moment in the Dominican Republic (romantic and beautiful!)? He was, right? That clipper was hanging waaaay too high to be a legit skinny tie. A clip-on tie would totally be what an All-American High School Boyfriend Fiance would do, right? He doesn’t have time to learn to tie a tie! That’s lame! Dude, put on this clip-on, they’ll never know! Then let’s ditch English and hit the Pizza Hut buffet!

Finally, about Josh. Have some class, man. It’s one thing to be obviously plowing (sorry for that analogy, Farmer) the Bachelorette, but the “I’m trying” to get her preggers comment, was, wait…nevermind, that was a classic All-American High School Boyfriend Fiance move.

About Nick. Glad to see Andi run away from him. Their “last date” (Note: actually their last date) started poorly when he walked up to her like he was


the Tin Man. He was walking rather uncomfortably. And at the end of the night, he was looking for his heart. (Alert: I minored in English, and it just paid off).

Andi started the I’m Dumping You ambush by saying their relationship was not “what’s best for us.” She doesn’t know what that means. Neither does he, and I’m guessing you don’t either. Too vague, Andi!

Maybe realizing this, she then came at him with “a life with you would be a constant overanalysis,” which is a better reason, but still underwhelming. Shocked and puzzled, Nick did what Nick does best, which is suck at break ups. Explanationless, he attacked.

“You took it too far” and “I hope you’re a million percent sure, and not just scared.” In two swift punches, he knocked her out. First, he blamed her. Second, he accused her of lacking the courage to love him. So she did the only thing she could, something she should have done long ago, which was apologize and leave. That she left walking into the rain, that was perfect. Way to go, producers! Nice touch with him tossing the dead rose petals in a common trash can.

Off went Nick in the black Escalade, packed for a flight back to “Milwaukee.” Remember the last time he was engaged-dumped, he “didn’t talk to anyone except family, few friends” for 6 months. Six months, and that was just a private breakup. This breakup occured in front of the entire world. You’ll soon be able to stream this breakup on Netflix and Hulu. How his family could allow him to even be in this situation is incredible to me. This dude is going to shut down.

Especially since he basically got dumped again during the last hour of the show. Dude said it was the talking to her all night in the Fantasy Suite that messed him up, and he outed her on national TV about it. That was my favorite line, BTW. Why, Andi! Why do that with me. But in doing so, he broke the unwritten rule: in The Bachelorette, thou shalt not make something implied, explicit. Andi correctly objected, but used a regrettable pun: “that’s below the belt.” Exactly! That’s the problem!

So, off goes Nick to wander the lonely streets of Milwaukee in a scarf, looking pensive, wounded twice by love, feeling as if he is the only man to have ever suffered heartbreak. If he’s not going to wander into counseling (by the way, big missed opportunity here, Chris Harrison: why not spring a counselor on him? What’s Dr. Drew up to? Or Dr. Phil! That would have been soooo goood), he should at least wander shirtless into greater-Milwaukee hot yoga classes. He can probably find someone there willing to Southwest his baggage so he can convert his fame into love.

Final comments: One of my favorite moments was during one of the many filler segments, when Chris Harrison had The Farmer stand up. The Farmer has gone from larvae to butterfly, from a messy field to neat cornrows, from Tiddly Winks to cornhole. When Chris sidled him and said his name, The Farmer came flying out of his seat almost like a gymnast, sticking the landing and striking a standing, beaming position, as if to say “Heeeeey Lay-deees, my crops are knee high by the Fourth of July, and my shirt is . . . buttoned suggestively!” If he’s The Bachelor, and I have to concede he probably is, they can’t announce it until he’s Ousted in Paradise.

For the record, I’m not watching Bachelor in Paradise. The reason may shock you: although I’ve spent all this time watching almost every Bachelorette episode this year (missing only an early one) with my wife (to preserve my Man Card) and writing about it [hands over Man Card] — I have standards. Admittedly, these are very, very low standards, but where I decide to draw the line is THE LINE I will not cross. That line is between The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise.

Until next time, if there is a next time (to be determined), thanks for reading, and please accept my apologies for whatever made you feel like you might want to read this.

After the July 14 Show

Andi finally shot The Farmer in the head; a clean, surgical strike. He was kind enough not to bleed on the carpet. exiting gracefully. To Andi, The Farmer was always just the hot guy who leads a group out on a horseback tour (by the way, Andi, when you strap a Go-Pro camera to a horse, it’s going to get agitated). She sees him as a great canasta partner, she’d certainly vote for him for School Board, and they’d be great cousins.  

The Farmer never saw that she saw him that way. He was interested in pursuing this love transaction, but when he got to the Dominican Republic (warning: water contains heart shaped water goo), needing to pull a rabbit out of his hat with a great move, there was no tractor nearby. There was no secret admirer letter to send. No Ghost Re-enacting Pottery Monasteries. So he went with his last move, the never-successful: let’s play hide-and-seek!

Seriously, if you’re not watching the show, let me set the scene. The Farmer, having traveled all the way from Iowa to the Dominican Republic, for some reason was sitting on a log with Andi in a field, desperately needing to progress the relationship. After all, they were supposed to Fantasy Suite (that’s a verb, y’all) in less than 8 hours! So, with a national TV audience watching, and only ONE PLACE TO HIDE, he suggested they play hide-and-seek. That’s right. He said to her, let’s play hide-and-seek. This is a game where the object is to create, and maintain, distance from the other person for as long as possible. We asked a random woman if she thought this was a good move. Her response:

Things Andi loved more than The Farmer:

1.  Iowa.  IOWA!

2.  His mom.

3.  His sisters.

So, to no one’s surprise, off he goes., bro.

Before we leave Chris The Farmer, there’s one other thing to do. That’s right! It’s time for This Week’s Awww Shucks Phrase from The Farmer…or Marcus’ Brother Conrad!!!!

We had two entries. The Farmer came up big with “Alls I really want to do…” Strong submission, bringing out the plural of “all.” Andi also entered the contest, saying she “left Iowa literally on Cloud 9.”

After consulting the judges, it has been determined her misuse of “literal” to be more of a word crime offending Weird Al than it is an Awwww Shucks moment. So, as a parting gift, The Farmer wins! Alls he gets is a silver lining on this otherwise dark cloud.

BTW, no way this guy is The Bachelor. He will attract an inordinate number of crazy women, which is saying something for Bachelorette contestants, but he will be frustrated on his dates. His horde of women will get too drunk to play a competent game of Scrabble on their dates. Or Parcheesi, they may also play parcheesi on dates. Group dates will feature hearts and spades tournaments. If he really likes them, Tiddly Winks! But only if they pass a commodities test and take the Ethanol pledge. The whole thing would derail from the very beginning, spiraling into a farce l-o-n-g before it’s supposed to — and make no mistake, it’s always supposed to — but he’d bore us all.

He may be a “man’s man,” but Andi apparently prefers immature men. But props to her for dumping him before the Suite. No Bachelor would have ever done that.

Moving on….

Because this show believes the fiction that it fosters true love and marriage, it reaches the height of its absurdity during the Fantasy Suite episode. The idea that she’s going to hole up in a romantic suite with no cameras (but apparently microphones!) one night, and then do the same thing with a different guy the next night, and then again with a THIRD guy the very next night…and not soon after she’s going to want to MARRY one of these guys, is ridiculous. Yes, this whole show is a stretch, but that Dude A, Dude B, Dude C in successive nights would never, ever happen in any relationship in the world, and never in any healthy relationship.  But, we’re all asked to pretend this is OK.  It’s absurd to see Andi is “committed to the process” and “believes it can work,” then engage in the consecutive night sausage fest. These are mutually exclusive fantasies. 

The above paragraph is exactly what all fathers are thinking during the “Meet Andi’s Family” episode. Hence the dirty looks.

Anyway, about the Finalists!

Here is my deal with Nick, and why I think he’ll “lose” this game:

1.  He couldn’t say “I love you.” At one point, I thought it was going to go down like this:

or maybe this

But — Nick knew he had to actually say it so he could have a shot at winning, and he timed it to give him the best chance to Achieve in the Fantasy Suite. He stammered painfully, then blurted it out in a very unconvincing manner. If it’s true, it’s easy to say! Dude is creepy to me. He’s either extremely emotionally immature, or scripted the entire thing, and said it right on schedule. Either way, Run, Andi! Run!

2.  Baggage. Someone dumped him, and—his words here—he “didn’t speak to anyone for like 6 months. Except family, [voice trailing away] friends.” Six months!  He did not speak to anyone. Six days, sure, but not speaking to anyone for 24 weeks?  By week 5, he should have been speaking to a shrink.

3.  The storybook. Nick, a grown man, hand wrote and illustrated a fairy tale in a giant book. It featured prose, kingdoms, princesses, spells, and an unknown ending. (While Nick was writing this, The Farmer was probably oiling his tractor). Here is the disturbing part…he left out more than a few pages for the ending of the story, so he can write the ending of the book. But, let’s do the math here. He’ll have one page for the rose he’s about to get, another meeting Andi’s family, and another for the final rose ceremony. What was going to fill the other pages? Was he…can’t be…well, was he really…was he going to illustrate the Fantasy Suite? And even if he wasn’t, why leave all those pages blank? Run Andi, Run!

As for the pre-Fantasy Suite moments:  Pretty ridiculous to hear Nick try and convince Andi he couldn’t wait to “talk your ear off for an entire night” in the Fantasy Suite. Phhhhbbtttttttt. Even Andi wasn’t alone in the gaffe department, giving us “When Nick looks at me, he sees every part of me.” Well then. Then the lights went out. You know, for the talking.

Finally, Josh. This dude is the All-American High School boyfriend. Think about it. He is apparently jobless, living off pops, hangs out at football games, drinks aphrodesiacs from street vendors without stopping to ask this “is this idea a good idea?,” plays sandlot baseball, and family is important to him. He is the protagonist in every Melissa Joan Hart movie. 38% of all Carrie Underwood songs are about him. He says stuff like “I’ve been waiting 29 years to have this feeling,” and possesses a feeling which he described as being “beyond love.” Beyond! He’s fun and charming and that smile—somehow unmentioned so far—is whiter than, well, an Iowa snowfall.

We are to the point where I don’t believe she has a future with either of them. But, she’ll pick a winner, because that’s what this show is about — breaking as many hearts as possible.

I was encouraged by the lack of scarves.

After the July 7 Show

Today, one co-worker tried to drop Reality Steve spoiler info on me. Someone Else suggested I read Andi’s blog to get the “real story.” I declined both. I want to react to the show the way the editors envisioned. I don’t want the truth. 

I was brought into wedding planning music selection stuff during this episode, so I’m mostly good for the first two hometowns. But I will do my best for the last two. The fiancee was on Team Marcus, so she is sad… and also because we mostly missed his hometown because we were selecting music. If Andi only knew that her quest for love ends with a year of … I’ll be quiet before I get in trouble.

Let’s break down the hometown dates!

Nick was “super excited to be here in Milwaukee,” becoming the first person to ever say that. I will now analyze Milwaukee, which is a place I’ve been to.

1.  The first time I ever saw weed, it was being smoked by someone driving down the interstate in Milwaukee.

2.  I have lots of family in Wisconsin, and none of them live in Milwaukee.

3.  Also not in Milwaukee: Nick. He and his family live in Waukesha:

4.  Are there even any Famous Milwaukeeans? No. In an article written by a Milwaukeean to a target audience of Milwaukeeans, it starts with a joke about the lack of famous people there. The article’s Most Famous Milwaukeean Candidate list begins with Walter Annenberg and Danny Gokey, and ends with Jeffrey Dahmer, the cannibal.

Nevertheless, Nick was “super excited” (note: more than excited, y’all, SUPER excited) to be in Milwaukee, so much so he could not wait to show Andi (a) a farmers’ market (unique to Milwaukee and every other city in the world), (b) polka, (c) a bottling plant (what, no Laverne & Shirley reference?) and (d) his scarf.

About the scarf. I’m mostly OK with it. It’s cold in Milwaukee. But it was still too frilly. Girly, even.

5.  He should have taken her to a bar in Milwaukee and pretended it was the bar from the scene in Love Actually, which by the way is a better movie than The Usual Suspects, and if you disagree about that you’re just lying to yourself. Or you’re a man.

As for the family visit, I wasn’t surprised we didn’t hear from Nick’s dad. He must be exhausted from all that constant procreation and photo framing. Probably has a painful hernia.

Nick’s sister violated the Acceptable Skirt Length For A Sister During A Hometown Date rule. She also said other things, but I didn’t hear them, and I doubt you did too. All. Those. Wall. Photos.

Why were there no Alice Cooper references to being in Milwaukee? Maybe Wayne’s World? Either way, Nick’s hometown didn’t endear me to him at all.

Nothing against people with large families, but it felt like I was watching a TLC episode. And all their pictures on the wall? Of course Nick pushed his youngest sister on Andi. He’s so manipulative. It makes me nuts. And it works! But I guess as Courtney from Ben’s season would say ‘It’s all about winning.’ She and Nick would make an awesome pair. Maybe Bachelor in Paradise?

Dude’s hair is super-gelled. Just look at it. He could shiskabob a goat on it. 

Farmer Chris has at least two moves. 1. Re-enact that Ghost scene at a monastery, and 2. the classic “sit on my lap while you drive my tractor.” That tractor move must work, because Andi blurted “everything is massive about him.” Well, then.

Still, I think the fantasy suite is going to be a disaster for him. At the crucial moment, I imagine the Farmer will reach for a *cough* product made of straw and 10% ethanol.

Brief Interruption about the Fantasy Suite: next week’s episode will be an opportunity to make $2 jokes, for example, you might consider working in hilarious comedic phrases such as “the Iowa Caucas” or “where’s your scarf?” Let’s keep something else important (ha!) in mind: All these dudes saw her eviscerate Juan Pablo at the fantasy suite level. That has got to be intimidating. I think the Farmer crumbles at the key moment next week.

Hilarious watching Andi discover someone has a backyard. [Wild Eyes] An Actual Backyard!

We learned a few more things about the Farmer: he’s an incredible businessman. So incredible, you would never know. That tractor has to be worth at least $100K, right? He lives alone in an impeccable house. I don’t know, it all seemed a little cold to me. He would be a good cousin for Andi, but I’m not getting a husband vibe here. 

I also don’t think Andi’s moving to Iowa. He wants her to be a homemaker. So does his mom, who doth protest too much. I don’t think Andi wants that life, or respects the mom fashion (what was that, a moo-moo?). But if Andi says she wants a career, she thinks America will hate her, so she grins and bears it, enjoying the scenery. 

There’s staged drama on The Bachelorette, but has anything been more ridiculously staged than playing Dark Farm Hide & Seek with cameramen and giant lights following them around? 

Chris had to hit a home run, and he did. Is the dude Superman? Seriously. Farm? Iowa? If he’s not Clark Kent, he’s at least Ray Kinsella.

Anyway, we all had questions about this date. Many asked, ‘Would Andi be OK with being a farmer’s wife?’ Dude! They’re going to be reality TV stars! If Chris wins they’re moving to Los Angeles in a week, guaranteed. Anyway, I still think he looks like a mob boss who moved to Iowa. Bravo Chris. You won this round. I still think you go home next week.

What’s Josh M’s job? We found out he hasn’t played baseball in 7 years. During that time, he “has been focused on Aaron.” His future plans apparently involve watching Aaron hold a clipboard on the sidelines in Kansas City. Are the Murrays Scrooge McDuck wealthy? They had a pretty nice place in Tampa.

Their date bored me.

I agree with this. My only observation was why was Aaron drinking when he’s supposedly preparing for the NFL draft? It was a pretty boring date for the most part. Also, where did Josh M. play baseball? Was he even good? We don’t really know.

First thing out of her mouth was: “He is very vocal and open about how he feels. I need to see if I can catch up to him.”

Ruh Roh!

His fate was sealed. The rest of the date was a disaster.

His plan:

Mercedes with a button down dress shirt, then. Oh. Oh No. No Marcus. NO! Stop. STOP! Not the Officer & A Gentleman Routine! Please make it stop! You totally misread her, Marcus. She wasn’t wondering if you were [note: I can’t believe I have an opinion about this! Curse you Chris Harrison and ABC!] hot. Anyway, he re-robes, then back in his sweet ride to introduce us to his mom, who, as he told Andi in Brussels, was a terrible mother. “We have no emotional connection and I am way more in love with you than you are with me, so let’s go meet my mother who I trashed on national TV!” So bad. No wonder you “lost.”

Marcus is 25 and drives a Mercedes. I’m 31 and drive a 2003 Volvo with 140k plus miles on it. I already didn’t like him. He stripped, and then we met his family. Stripping + family = Bachelorette hometowns.

It’s time for This Week’s Awww Shucks Phrase from The Farmer…or Marcus’ Brother Conrad!!!! It’s important we keep a record of this. So, recall the Farmer won two weeks ago with “Sour Grapes.” Last week The Farmer submitted, and won, with “I went from Cloud 9 to being a Nervous Nancy.” But The Farmer couldn’t three-peat! Marcus’ brother Conrad won this week with: “I haven’t seen you this ga-ga for a girl in a while.” Grats, Conrad! 

What I really wanted the Summoning to the Harrison Mansion to be about was Chris Harrison bringing in the Final Four, seating the dudes on the couch, and letting the uncertainty and tension hang there, only to have Andi come down the stairs with a big rock on her finger, followed by Chris launching into the Patented Lowered Voice Compassionate Chris Harrison Caring Whispered Explanation to the Scarves about how they all drove her into his arms, and that he doesn’t care if he loses his job over it: he’s engaged to Andi.

Instead, Chris Harrison gave us “unchartered waters” (you charter a boat, you chart waters) and a look from Harrison that says: “I could play Michael W. Smith in a movie” even though I’m 1/70 as talented as him.

So, yeah, anyway. OK. What happened was pretty sad. I have a lot of jokes, mostly about Josh’s “reaction,” but even in a scripted “reality” show, this dude is actually dead. So let’s agree to make no jokes about him, or anyone’s reaction to hearing about his death. At least not in public.

I agree. I just wish The Bachelorette kept this part private. It was seriously painful to watch and not meant for reality TV. Gotta feel for Andi who said she had some guilt for not picking Eric. That has to be hard to deal with.

Submissions from Josh, Mindy, and Lindsay coming as soon as they write them.

After the June 30 Show

Scroll down for Mindy & Lindsay’s contributions!

Last things first. That goodbye kiss from Baseball Player to Basketball Coach. What. Was. That, Josh M.? What went through your head? Was it: “Well, he got voted off The Bachelorette, and he’s a pretty good dude, so I’ll give him a kiss on the cheek here on national TV?” That can’t be it. Or…Maybe he suddenly got in touch with his feelings for the first time in his life, and he couldn’t stop all the feelings from rushing up, and suddenly he’s kissing a Basketball Coach from Pennsylvania? I don’t know what to do with this.

Fashion scarves are rampant. Last week it was Baseball Player. This week, we saw poofy fashion scarves on the Farmer, Nick, and Marcus. And now, these dudes kissing each other goodbye? How European! What’s next, capri pants? Man bags?

Also notice: only scarf guys have “advanced” in the “tournament.”  I still think Andi is not a “my man needs a fashion scarf girl,” but she hasn’t noticed that the Final Four consists of Scarf Dudes. Is she so blinded by the glitz and “decadence” of European cities that she can’t see these men are wearing poofy fashion scarves they would never wear in the US? She’s the only person who should be wearing a fashion scarf, even if hers looked like a carrot threw up on her shirt, or blouse, or whatever you call it.

The Bachelorette is all about who can get in touch with their feelings the fastest. Marcus is writing a journal, proving he writes and he feels things. Nick’s feelings are so strong he breaks the rules. Farmer “steals” her away to make out with her. Tragic Dude stuck around this long because he spilled his guts on the Train Date. 

And then there is the Baseball Player.

Andi: “Will you be vulnerable? Do you have feelings for me?” 

Baseball Player: “[Looks away] Ummm [chews food] maybe a little bit?”  

Look on Andi’s face was: Wrong. Answer.

Almost realizing this, Baseball Player overcompensates with an apologetic “I love you” then, she smiles, and just like the kiss, he could not stop the Tsunami of Feelings, immediately blurting: “Saying I love you means I want to marry you.”  Whoaaaa, big fella! She just made out with 5 other dudes! 

This has to be pointed out again: Baseball Player’s teeth would blind a sunlit meadow of freshly fallen snow. 

My favorite line, from the Grief Stricken Bachelor (aka Tragic Bachelor), standing among Belgian ruins: “These ruins stand the test of time.” That killed me. Funniest line of the whole season. Why? Because, ummm, no, Grief Stricken Bachelor, ruins are the opposite of something standing the test of time. They’re RUINS. Ruins mean something failed to stand the test of time. No one builds ruins, hoping they last centuries. Ruins indicate failure, such as your relationship with Andi. Well played, Andi/Chris Harrison/Intern Who Was An English Major. Love the symbolism. (“Hey producers, let’s take the losers to ruins, and have a date there!”).

It’s time for This Week’s Awww Shucks Phrase from The Farmer? Last week he gave us “Sour Grapes.” This week, we were treated to: “I went from Cloud 9 to being a Nervous Nancy.” Hilarious.

Cue Music! You don’t have to be lonely, at Farmers Only dot com!

I can’t wait for their hometown date. Andi will try to play it classy, but in her head she’ll be thinking to herself “Am I really going from Atlanta-area assistant district attorney to Iowa homemaker in a 750 person town? No. No I am not. I don’t care how he looks in denim or how loosely we can recreate the scene from Ghost.” In “next week” clips, FarmerMa gets defensive: “if you love him, it doesn’t matter where you live.” Farmer’s mom is calling her immature! Odds Farmer makes the fantasy suite: 1 in 100.

Josh M. is Aaron Murray’s [Quarterback for the University of Georgia, drafted this year by the Chiefs] older brother? Talk about a game changer. Wow. I used to despise him… now I’m just apathetic. 

Imagine the Murray household. You’re Aaron. You’ve been top dog the last four years, all world QB — though you couldn’t beat Saban. And then your brother goes on The Bachelorette and ends up in the final four. Now you’re second fiddle. Anyway, good for Josh M. I’m rooting for you now I guess. I thought his date with Andi looked like the Meat Loaf “I’d do Anything for Love (but I won’t do that)” video … except Josh M. didn’t turn into a giant beast like Meat Loaf did. Also his date was shorter than that song.

A few random observations…

Andi and Chris totally replayed the pottery scene from Ghost … and it was AWESOME. But if you’re going to do that, you may as well say something like “I feel like Swayze” or “This is like Ghost.” When you see pottery and two people making out, that’s the immediate ‘go-to.’ We were singing Righteous Brothers in my household during that part. 

Nick M. Sucks. I hate his scarf, I hate his skinny jeans, I hate his red shoe laces, I hate his pocket square. Andi is a prosecutor, she needs to see through all of this. But his one-on-one time with Andi did produce a line that I’ve never heard in my life: “I just want to talk about Milwaukee.”

Chris can’t be a farmer, he looks like a mob boss who happened to move to Iowa. 

I wish the basketball coach had stayed, but realized he had to go. He was just too nice. If you want the girl on this show you have to be aggressive. He was too passive. Saying “I’m falling for you” around a Belgian Monastery was not enough.

Andi’s dress in the rose ceremony looks like the ‘Derelicte’ line from Zoolander. 

Did you realize that they’re all drinking Belgian beer instead of wine.

I wish they had a date at the Atomium, because it’s the only thing to do/see in Brussels.

Last week, total strangers and loyal readers Mindy and Lindsay DEMANDED inclusion in this email chain. We obliged! After all, we need female voices in here. Forgive me if my editing ruined a joke. They cut/pasted a Google Hangout conversation while watching the episode. Enjoy!

Week 6!

(Intro includes a very phallic building, thanks Elan)

Andi: We’re in Brussels! (Where’s my wine) EXCITED! First time in Belgium. Mix of old Belgium and modern Belgium, really? Pretty sure that’s how most large European cities are Andi… thanks for the obvi.

First and foremost, I think I can speak for everyone when I say I miss Mackleroid.

M:      OMG, I said the same thing. I want Mackleroid’s deep V’s back. These scarves are the actual worst.

L:       WEEK BEFORE HOMETOWNS. Andi takes home visits VERY seriously. Probably because she assumes there will be wine.

M:      I’m not listening to her, because she’s boring me. Just like Andi on her dates. #Mhhhmmmm #Interesting

L:       Bromance continues.

Hello Chris, Thanks for the heavy stuff talk. AKA You boys better drop the four letter word or you might not make it to next week. Surprise surprise families are a really big deal to the guys too, but they’re all falling in love with Andi right? So of course they want to take her home. I just keep thinking about how Andi’s dad will eat them for dinner.

Rycholas Goscage gets first date.

MUSCLES “I’m still thinking about what is the future with Marcus” Aaaand OH! Beer!

M:      MUSSELS, Linds. Mmmm, Moules Frites. Do you think they’re drinking Leffe? Or Chimay? Looks like Chimay. Is it ironic that the USMNT is playing Belgium tomorrow? This date sucks. I like Marcus though. He’s pretty. But dumb. So, pretty dumb.

L: Marcus just run. Run away now. CHEERS FOR MUSCLES AND BEERS. Dinner all dressed up. Oh god here comes family talk. CHEERS MORE WINE. Andi always looks like she’s smells poo when she has her, “I’m really listening what you’re saying” face. “Mmmmm, Interesting…”
AND call the bellboy because here comes all the baggage.

M:      I’m glad we don’t have to talk about the dead guy anymore. At least Marcus isn’t like “Oh poor me, my mom sucked.”

L:       She asks about what his mom will ask. Scary mom baggage.

Here comes the poo smell again
Marcus is really 16 and got his mom to sign a permission slip for him to come on the show.
She totes wanna meet his family.
This is a MAN. Very good Andi!




L:      Marcus comes back from date, and Nick gets SUPER EMO. K whatever Nick go buy another ugly pocket square and shut your face. Also we get it, group dates are dumb. What do you think you signed up for? No one else has makes me want to stab forks in my ears and eyes spontaneously more than Nick.

Awkward talks with the boys.

M:     I cannot deal with Nick’s lack of product in his hair. GET SOME HAIR GEL.

L:      So NICK gets to be the Claire sneaky ocean screw of the season.

I would freak out, this is MY ROOM. GET OUT!
I can’t tell if she’s happy or what. But in the ends she’s probably drunk so someone to make out with? OK!
He seriously grosses me out and I can’t take him seriously with his lisp.

M:     #DRUNKAndi What is happening? They’re just GIVING him a key? Um, no. SO staged.

*****Here Lindsay and I spent two minutes talking about the orchids in the room behind the guys.******

M:     This episode is dumb. Bring back Wapalo and his shaming ways. Andi is just drunk in every episode.

Wait….did they all dress alike for the group date? 

Andi: It’s not “May-ERD-Soo.” It’s “M-AIR-d-soo.” Durr. 

I could be sleeping right now. Who’s the next bachelor already? 

******We hate her ice skating dress at the rose ceremony. Beads are too big.******

Elan just tweeted, “I eat all the food on the dates.”  HAHAHAAH! I wondered.

L:      They’re possibly setting up Farmer Chris for Bachelor. I hope we see him in overalls next week cause that would be hawt (Mostly because I just want to say, “He could be a farmer in those clothes?”). Then I would bet Andi is going to fake break his heart and he is going to still be looking for love because he is ready and open for it. He also dropped two #RightReasons during the episode. DRINK X2!

M:     Did I mention this is a snooze fest? I want Chris for the next Bachelor too. I hate Nick. And Josh too. Sorry, but he was straight LYING. 

*******We were bored with this episode until the end when Man Pony chased Coach around with a pickle. That was the weirdest thing ever. Almost as funny as last week’s “Have you ever farted in the public?” I died laughing. (Hi, I’m twelve.)

We’ll do better this week. I basically had to scroll through our google hangout convo. Hope y’all had a great 4th!

After the June 23 Show

There was scarf in every scene featuring the Baseball Player/Soon To Be Crest Model. I have no problem with a good scarf. I’m fine deploying scarves to battle the cold, but never in blazers-optional weather. It was not cold in Italy, but he wore the scarf anyway. This guy is definitely eventually getting dumped, but not because he didn’t handle well the lie detector test. It’s because of these unnecessary fashion scarves. Think of it this way: Andi owns a handgun. No woman who owns a handgun respects a man with a poofy fashion scarf in warm weather.

It killed me when the Farmer said “sour grapes.” Andi isn’t pretend promise marrying a farmer, and certainly not one who chooses “sour grapes” over the entire universe of phrases. We know this because she likes that Nick “is articulate.”

My sister thinks the producers add estrogen to the wine at the cocktail parties. BTW, if you’re not watching this show with alcohol and family, you’re doing it wrong.

RIP the Pantseprenuer, whose biggest sin was saying “I can’t get excited for other people’s successes.” How is this controversial? He’s trying to win the girl. When others *cough* score points with her, it’s bad for him. I suppose they had to get rid of him for injecting this logic in this absurd process. He’s like Galileo, truth telling, but with pants that are too short.

I wish there was an anti-rose, like Mr. Hanky, the Christmas Poo. Bachelorette: “I’m sorry, but I can’t get past that v-neck t-shirt blazer combination, so I offer you this Poo.” Maybe that’s a cruel way to get dumped, but at least seeing her reaching for the Poo would give him a heads up of what’s coming, rather than having to stop him mid-I-love-you sentence to say, well, you’re a great guy, but… BTW when this happens, there should be a violinist playing Don’t Speak by No Doubt.

Andi: “he wanted to come get it,” referring to Nick. Go ahead and punch his fantasy suite ticket.

I wanted Chris Harrison to be the Secret Admirer.

Chris Harrison has to be the secret admirer. The more and more I watch Andi, the more I think she and CH have something going on. He just looks pained during rose ceremonies. 

Beyond that, back to Josh M. (the Baseball Player): What a total idiot. He used the term “right reasons” I think 10 times on the last episode. When it came down to him and the Pantsapawhatitcalled, I was actually pulling for the latter. That’s how much Josh M. Bothers me. And you’re right… his teeth are just way too white. 

So they’re going to Brussels next week. When I went there, I hit up the Atomium and Mini Europe. There is NOTHING to do in Brussels, except maybe eat lots of chocolate and look at the pissing boy… that’s it. 

It has been feeling cooler outside. Is this going to last?